Empire MMA: Bonner and McWrestler with Frankie Sabatini

Fighter profile of Myke Bonner by Bill Marax

DUDE MCWRESTLER AND MYKE BONNER INTERVIEW WITH FRANKIE SABATINI

(A middle-aged man with slick black hair, a pinstriped suit, and a massive balthus-knotted purple tie stares into the camera with a remarkably serious expression.)

Frank: This is Frankie Sabatini, and I am thrilled to join the Empire MMA team. You may know me from my previous work on the game show The Price is Fairly Accurate, and of course the blockbuster Cinemax special Back Seat Tenderness. I am coming to you live with two of Empire’s most colorful personalities, the “All-Stiff” one, Myke Bonner, and “El Duderino” himself, Dude McWrestler. They join us live, together. You’re going to have to share that mic, gentlemen. It's ok, you can get closer. Therrrre you go. Thank you for joining us. Let me start by asking you what was the reason you joined Empire MMA?

McWrestler: I came from a very strong wrestling background in Pakista, Gujranwala. You might have heard of it, it is called "The City of Wrestlers". Problem is I knew there lots of Olympic medal wrestlers that ended up old miserable geezers, very poor, cleaning wrestling gym's toilets. You know how a toilet look like after 30 wrestlers? I don't want that to my life. That's not retirement I want. So I came to United States to train with an old acquaintance from ADCC - Zé Jiurgite, from team Lobster. I left it all in the hands of my manager, Dr Zoidberg. He scouted some organizations and told me this was the best chance for me to grow in the sport.

Bonner: I'm a kickbox fighter, heh mate. Same as Dude here, team Lobster eventually reached out to me and asked for a Muay Thai sparring partner, and that's I ended up here. I was fighting under Raven KT, but a big tournament started at EMPIRE and I just thought "Well, fuck it I'm money."

Frank: What are your first impressions of this organization? I mean, what do you think about the level of competition here? Is it good enough for you guys to improve?

McWrestler: It's high level, for sure. I mean, what else could I say, I'm 1-2. When I first got here, I thought I would take everybody down, input my game, dominate... Reality is I got knocked out at my debut and caught in a very lucky armbar second fight. What this sport demands of your body is so different, its a different kind of strength, so I was not used to it. But we are adjusting, I’m training, I’m getting better, faster, stronger, starting to enjoy striking... I'm still going to give you guys a show and show what I can do. I even started to get some fights declined by my opponents!

Bonner: The production is clean, professional, the ring girls... Ough. But, fuck me mate, I hate grappling. I just want to get done with this and go back to knocking people out. It's like I'm a midget at a urinal here, I’m always at my toes. When I'm at the ring, I'm like a duck at a lake, it feels natural.

Frank: The ring girls, whoa buddy, I gotta tell you, when I take one look at them I can’t help but think that, you know, they are second only to, uh, my professionalism, and things of that nature. Um, anyway, what are your thoughts on the new rankings that have come out, Mr. McWrestler? And how will the transition to 358k affect both of you? Is it gonna be OK? Or are you both considering your futures?

Bonner: This bloke talks too much— I'm gonna answer first! Piss off, you doofer! 

(shoves McWrestler’s shoulder, sending him slowly rolling out of the frame, staring at the camera)

Well, I am on a tourney right now, so I will just keep following my brackets, so I don't think newcomers will affect me very much. Either way, my hands is the dog's bollocks, so I don't care if people are young or old, I just want to punch'em.

McWrestler: (slowly rolling back into the frame): I have a hard time understanding this drunk Irish. I think you should add subtitles to this interview, you know, for English readers. Well, I was expecting to be better ranked when I showed up, but I can't complain right? I failed to perform and that's it. I'm glad EMPIRE's scout still quoted me as a "To watch" prospect and I'm doing my best to make him feel like he did the right choice there. I think I have a good path for me to get up to the top 5. After that, competition gets really tough, so much talented guys! And if getting more experienced fighters will prevent your matchmakers having to deal with duckers and put me to fight, I think that’s only for the best. I’m here to give good fights, not to cherry pick.

Frank: Folks, ya gotta love that attitude from El Duderino. Myke, your start to the tourney was, well, let's just say less than impressive, so what have you changed from that fight that might make you win this fight in the losers’ bracket tomorrow?

Bonner: I won't drink a bottle of scotch the night before the fight. It just gets you sapped the next morning. I felt like shit there. This fight tomorrow is against a grappler, so I don't know if I will be able to show of my striking skill as I wanted to, but if I win and keep going in this tournament, you will see a lot of highlight KOs. Also, Zé Jiurgite has been teaching me some BJJ, I am not good at the ground game, but the guy is a corker, he is teaching me how to defend myself so I don't get killed there.

Frank: It might depend on the brand of Scotch a bit, you know? Now, keeping aside your lives as an MMA fighter, how is life going outside the cage for both of you?

McWrestler: I’m very disciplined. I live in the gym, for the gym. I co-op with Enamorado Bandito, Ciro Bottini and our newcomer Macaco Cidadao. These South Smericans are very funny and helps me get some fresh air in between training, but damn they leave the house a mess! I think we do good together because we are all foreigners here, with a very big cultural barrier. But my main focus here is just training. If I’m losing, I ain't earned the benefit of thinking about outside the cage.

Bonner: I love America. Everything in Europe is old and smells like mold. Everything here is new and big and fresh. Women, drink, money. This IS the land of opportunity!

Frank: It certainly is. Wait until you line up your first yacht trip in Miami with the models and the bottles, we’re talking big piles of high-grade Columb—

*screen jumps, flickers*

Frank (looking stoically at the camera): Gentlemen, it was truly a pleasure doing these interviews. I’ve got to say, Myke, you’ve got to give me lessons on my speaking. Very well-spoken fellow here, folks. Before we finish, have you got any final messages for your competitors in the organization, or the organization owners?

Bonner: Dá fhada an lá tagann an tráthnóna.

Frank: (Looks absolutely bewildered.)

McWrestler: I am very thankful for this opportunity, I hope the fans enjoy and stay tuned. And also, make sure you do buy your supplements from Dr. Zoidberg's Office. If you want to be as healthy and strong as we are, that's the way to do it. Great quality and affordable prices. They made me say this.

Frank: Watch it, bud. I just got this job. Don’t do it better than me, alright? (chuckles awkwardly)

Thanks again to Myke Bonner and Duderino McWrestler for joining us. Best of luck on what we here at Empire MMA certainly hope will be long and entertaining careers for both of you!

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