Written by Brandon Comte
We're here live sitting on an EVO based, custom made, modern Zhang Zhoujie couch given to Mega Jug for raising one million dollars for the tibetan monk's civil rights union. In this highly anticipated event (where 75% of it's profits will be invested in housing poor little kids from the favelas without food into residential areas, where they will have the option to be hosted by a family or sent to a high-end fosterhome with free wifi funded by EVO) we will see some of the best fighters in the world fighting eachother. If you are new to MMA, you'll identify the fighters as they will be wearing the traditional convicted diamond bracelet where "swagger" is engraved on the left side and a marijuana leaf is engraved on the right side. Well, aside from this pretentious shit I've been slurring out (they paid me to do it) we have some warriors battling it out that I'd like to speak on but first a few words from our president.
Brandon Comte: Hey Mega jug what do you think about the event? We have arguably the best fighter in the history of mixed martial arts in Otso Jokinen facing your man Dumbass McWeakhands who came off of an extremely exciting decision win, demonsrating a whole arsenal of skills in the clinch and his striking was outrageously precise. His opponent Cid never backed down though as he was trading strikes, some people even though he may have won. So my big question is how do you think McWeakhands will take someone unquestionaly better than Cid and take a big leap forward in his illustrious carreer?
Mega Jug: First off Brandon, I think this event will be one of the deciding factors in our future, a way to establish ourselves as the unfaltering #1 org in the European Union, and will always be in the Top 3 world wide. It's nearly impossible to determine who's the best when the media is stirring up news about orgs gaining a lot of hype, and in the end the news in unfathomable, but we'll always remain elite in the Top 3, and no media junkie is going to change shit. You see Brandon, I noticed the type writer you carried out of your jet and into your suite (your welcome.) Like you I'm old fashioned, I'm not going to let a bunch of geeks taking over the media, try to take over our well established org based on making people happy and throwing the best tournaments, matching the best fights, preventing us from moving forward. My organization is named EVO, we're young, but we've already established ourselves at the top of the food chain, we're EVOlving, but it's because of our traditional values. Zhang gave me that chair because he thought I was a stand up guy, and that's how people should remain to be, no Miley Cyrus don't twerk. As for McWeakhands, all I need to say is wait and see. This is definitely his toughest fight yet and I know it's going to be a war. Have you ever played chess?
Brandon Comte: Yes.
Mega Jug: Well think of it this way, there are battles where some fools make a stupid decision early and lose everything, which in MMA would be a TKO (Cut) TKO/KO (Strike) Submission (Strikes) 15 second kimura, whatever it is, this fight isn't going to be that way. I'm sure McWeakhands has come up with a formula to go all 5 rounds and come out a winner and I'm sure the magnificent Otso has one too, which is why I have a gist this fight will end in a decision. Both of our fighters have rediculous armor on and it will be difficult to pierce either. Brandon Comte: Intense yet awesome words from the wizard Mega Jug, now let's get to the fights.
Fight 1. Chase Rollins vs Michael Tritter- Sean McDonnel comes to the podium drunk and starts talking about amish parties, "Th.." [Chase cuts him off] That's the beginning of what I experienced in the weigh-ins But I realized that Sean isn't very stressed. Chase Rollins seemed quite enthusiastic when I saw him, he told me that he's hyped because he get's to see the phillies live in the EVO celebrity box if he wins the fight. "ya know, I'm from a lower middle class family, who gives a shit right? I remember when I went to my first game as a kid and caught a homerun from Terry Adams turnin' to the left field!" he was all "boom yadayada" My name is Brandon Comte and I don't understand baseball fans. But yeah he told me he was all prepped for this fight and recently rehabbed his shin so his kicking game is getting better and better, judging from his last fight, that's where he's most efficient. Michael Tritter on the other half is coming off of a win after an extensive amount of losses, however few may say that he mighthave the advantage. I mean if you look at the two records sure you'd give Chase the fight in a heartbeat but Michael Tritter has KO power, and Chase Rollin's chin is iffy. Tritter's chin aint so fly either though, before his last win he had a huge loosing streak all fights coming from knockouts and even one where he tapped on the ground crying. My predicition for this fight would be Chase Rollins by decision, as long as he takes it inside the clinch and avoids getting hit in the face.
Fight 2. Luka Beck Vs Riley McCollins- At the weigh-ins I thought Luka Beck was some sort of free Mason and Riley McCollins was just smiling at him. Seems like a fun fight to talk about. but I honestly don't even have any idea of what the outcome is going to be. Luka Beck is coming out of a few losses trying to get back on his feet and looks fit as ever (Think Smeagle from Lord of the rings) with his muscles popping out of his skinny limbs almost breaking skin. Luka pulls out his jump ropes (actual ropes) and does 1000 leaps trying to woo the croud but everyone thought it was a circus act and started laughing. Luka is a well rounded fighter who prefers striking outside of the clinch and he succeeds in it, I remember that one time where he tripped and.... getting carried away. Lukais a wonderful athlete and we'll put most fans in awe and others in... well... "awkward" in that valley girl voice you hear in those coming of age movies during the 90s. Riley McCollins was sort of like a justin Bieber celebrity when he grew up in Ohio, not because of his blonde hair/ baby face look but it's because of his extensive wrestling background as a teenager. He'd get pussay on a good day which is every day for him, even when he loses he says "woah." Maybe i'm making blonde jokes, don't let me do that, I wont stop. Although he was a big wrestler back in his adolescent period (hahaha) he started to train MMA as a whole and used is wrestling for other divices like takedown defense, sustainable clinch, etc. He's become a a fighter, and the girls in Ohio are probably all taking their tops off now, and will send him kisses just in case he loses.
Fight 3. Konrad Kurze vs Timmy Smithy- Oh this next matchup has me pumped! I remember smoking cigars with Pepper Valera Vasquez during the old days, shit i'm a bit too sentimental... on with the fights.
Konrad Kurze has had a little downfall in EVO's 145 division but now that he dropped weight he's the clear favorite to win the title as long as Timmy Smithy doesn't stop him from achieving his first featherweight win.
Timmy Smithy coming out of a few wins coming from the Evil Empire to go face to face against his biggest test, In The Evil Empire Timmy never really had the opportunity to face an elite fighter such as Kurze so this will be his stepping stone to the Elite world in terms of what's around his waste after this fight. If he wins He'll have the belt, if he loses, the belt will haunt him until he gets a rematch and given that it's his first real fight in EVO, a rematch would be distant given that all of the fighters in EVO hold massive amounts of value. Don't miss out on those 500k across charity deals, if you're a winner you're a sinner (for having so much moolah)
My prediction for the fight would have to be watching Kurze dissect the veteran Timmy in three of five rounds, the other two , he'll be gutting.
Fight 4. Tito Hopkins vs Sven Dufva- Coming out of Team Conquer, Tito Hopkins is going to try to knock Sven Dufva the fuck out (JBomb666 told me to write this… please no references.) Tito is rather an intimidating fellow when you look at him, standing 6'0 tall with a gritty look on his face at all times. 6'0 is rather short but when you stare at his scars he starts to lick his lips which is rather scary. I'm assuming it's some gang gesture he learned in South Central.
Tito Hopkins is an experienced knock the fuck out artist who is willing to make a comeback to the ring after he got knocked the fuck out by Enzo Maretti and Sinuhe Egyptian, two people who are making the best of their careers, but you see, the fact that he was on the same level as them and was even qualified to fight them is just incredible. Now with less than 3 weeks of training prior to the upcoming fight he's going up against a monster in Sven Dufva and I'm assuming JBomb666 gave him some FaceTime, brass knuckles and chin plates. If Tito can keep the fight standing and lands his first strikes it can be a serious night for Sven.
Sven is also coming off of a loss going into the fight after losing a decision to a more experienced fighter after getting him to the ground and not securing a win out of pure lapse of judgement. Fortunately, he can try to use that strategy because there's no way he'll want to trade with Tito. It's just an opinion from a writer so whatever, but I believe if Sven can get to the ground he'll be able to control and secure a win against Tito.
My prediction is Tito Hopkins punching up a prayer, early in the first round for the knockout. (And i'm an atheist)
Fight 5. Jules Clement vs Esko Takanen- WOW this fight will be a killer
Esko Takanen is used to wearing gold and he proved it in XCC and for a little bit in NFC so you know he has a little history of wearing some pimped out belts. He's not fighting for anything but a title shot and he's made that clear, just look at his illustrious record. We all know that Esko has a diamond chin which is unbreakable and takedown defense which cannot, not, be taken seriously.
Jules needs to plan this like a pro. How is he going to get Esko down? Will it be a counter technique or an aggressive technique? Will he even get Esko to the ground? Will he even try? (at this point I'm sort of drunk so beware of my typing prowess) Jules needs to get this fight to the ground or he's screwed in my honest opinion. It's kind of funny because Esko is an amazing knockout artist and is a beast at fighting all the way through, it's like a dropping a panda into a monkey cage where all the panda does is spank the monkeys on the ass. Damn I'm a weirdo for thinking of that metaphor.
anyway I'm handing this fight to Esko by decision.
Fight 6. Hitmon Lee vs Viacheslav Datsik- I'm no man of wisdom when it comes to these two fighters but you'll see what I can do.
Hitmon Lee is a pokemon trying to rule the tycoon world with his incredible kicks? I think not, his name is deceiving because his punches are far better than his kicks and his clinch work is one of a kind so he can do those moves we experienced in the kanto league,
The thing is, this right here is what you call a fair fight.
Viacheslav Datsik, a Syn' drop-out and Random fighting Phenom (which still doesn't make up for him being a Syn' dropout) has been on a tear recently devouring his three last opponents in exciting fashion, he's definitely a crowed favorite in the MMA game but a hated newcomer to the EVO fan base (I mean it's always great to have an antagonist in the league.) He has the confidence to fight 3 rounds of chess and he'll give it his all debuting here in the bing leagues.
I predict Datsik will win by decision.
Fight 7. Theoran Fleury vs Musashimaru Koyo- Now I'm going to be a biased mother fucker (what do you expect from journalists) and give my former alliance mate, Furious Styles, kudos for getting this far.
Theoran Fleury touches a chin and it deteriorates- Oscar Whilin'.
Musashi better have a good game plan because Theoran has potential without ceiling, Musashi's best bet is to get to the ground and pound the shit out of Theoran before he can even react.
I believe this is a very tough fight for both fighters so I'm going to remain undecided even though Theoran's fists are as magical as the book/movie the never ending story. Puffin books mmm mmm mmm.
Fight 8. Barney Rubble vs Jorn Anthriel- I vote fight of the night no matter what!
Ok these are the types of fights which are titillating to me, to start things off, we have Barney Rubble who has a bedrock chin and then we have Jorn's fucking KO power, what's going on over here? What';s KO power against someone who never got knocked out? Will it work or not? I think Barney needs to take it to the clinch-rock and Jorn needs to take it to the outside, the outcome is unknown until the fight actually happens. Barney Rubble said something funny in his fight interview though, he said "After I rock you I'm gonna make your bed rock when you're not there because I'm fucking your bitch like I fuck betty."
My prediction goes to Barney via bedrock
Co Main Event
Fight 9. Richard Dawkins vs Danny Power- Well this to me is one of the most important fights in EVO history. First off Soyster the manager of Richard Dawkins was talking about retirement a few weeks back but was obviously fooling everybody, you know system clowns around like we all do. Well the Former UCLA and ascension champ is coming back from a loss to Oompa Loompa (arguably the best fighter in the world these days) where even though he lost, he was a ventriloquist in every aspect of the fight until the puppet knocked Dawkins out with his wooden shoe. I don't know, but I think to this day Dawkins is one of the best fighters to step in the game (probably because he's smart) but let's not take anything away from Danny Power. He'll have to work really hard to get the decision win against Danny because let's face it these are two warriors who don't get enough facetime with each other and they'd love to communicate while fighting. They're each other's idols and that's very hard to look for.
It's been a while so sometimes people forget that Danny Power was once the EVO champ and even though Richard Dawkins is really hyped these days you have to look at who was shadowing behind him, people don't give Danny enough credit because he was in orgs other than Synchronicity or Pride starting uo. People started adding him on twitter briefly after he won his UCLA title where fans started making posters written "Danny Power Strike." Danny is going to have to keep the fight standing in order to win by knockout or decision, it's just up to Dawkins to find a way to get him on the ground.
My prediction goes to Richard Dawkins by submission in the 3rd round,
Fight X- Otso Jokinen vs Dumbass McWeakhands
I think we got most of the predictions in the beginning but let's begin the analysis,
Jokinen 69 fghts (sexy) with one KO loss.
McWeakhands 60 fights with one KO loss.
Who will win? Will it be a decision?
Well Otso Jokinen, I'll repeat is one of the top 15 fighters in MMA history
If there's a battle for a prize he wins it, I literally mean that this guy has never lost a title fight. He's unstoppable and I think fans are tired of seeing him defend the belt (yet i'm always fascinated) and think something has to change. I disagree, I see him as the undertaker, he'll lose but never for the big prize, impossible.
Or is it?
McWeakhands is more than able to trade blows with jokinen but does he have the same amount of confidence, determination and will? We'll see if he can redeem his loss.
in the middle of the arena tomorrow night at Helsinki.