Mike Tycoo- I mean, Mike Cozad

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By Chad Stevens, reporter at MMA-LA

The difference between Mike Cozad’s life and my own is palpable. This was apparent to me the moment I reached his mansion. As I climbed out of my 1999 Pontiac Bonneville, it became clear to me that there are different levels of men. There are men like me, who, without attempting to be too brash, can earn a great deal of money for themselves and be an anchor, a provider for their families, and live a comfortable and fulfilling life. Then there are men for whom the starlight is innately attached to, men who are destined to live life in the fast lane, filled with big cars, easy women and other earthly riches. Mike Cozad is such a man. I knocked on the mansion’s doors, and a ginormous hunk of a man answered. It’s Mr. Cozad alright, all 6’5, 275 lbs (pure muscle) of him. He’s wearing a golden robe that, while it rests below his knees, is still very much revealing of his hiddens.

“Are you UberEats? Here’s $1,000, does that cover it?”

“”N-no sir. I’m uh, Chad Stevens, i’m here to interview you.”

“Oh, sure. Come on in then. “

I sit down on a sofa, while Cozad sits on a - throne? - that he has in his living room. There’s some powder on the table. I doubt that a man of this stature even feels its effects. Cozad offers me some and assures me that it’s the real deal, but I decline knowing that the purity of this stuff would no doubt prove to be fatal to a man of my stature. I started with my questions.

“So uh, how did you get the nickname ‘The Plumber?’”

“When i’m not running my multi-million dollar gaming website, or my other multi-million dollar gambling website, I’m occasionally a plumber. I mostly do special requests and things that other plumbers won’t/can’t do.”

“Out of curiosity, what’s the strangest request you’ve ever gotten?”

“Some fuckin’ lunatic down in Florida wanted me to connect the plumbing from the master toilet to his guest shower. Kept ranting about being able to give all of his guests golden showers or something. Cool dude.”

“Seems like a nice guy” I added. “How about this gaming website?”

“Just this thing I had some nerd code for me about a decade ago. I don’t know how to code, but you don’t need to when you look like this.” Cozad flexes his muscles, damn near tearing through his robe. I can hear the swooning of every woman within a five mile radius. I almost pass out myself.

“He must have done a good job on it or whatever, because I get paid millions daily.With the world being shutdown right now, hundreds of thousands of people have joined. I’m on there daily, looking for rule breakers. I rule that website with the might of Zeus.”

 

He stops to rub some cream all over his biceps and chest. I can’t tell what it’s for as it is written in Russian, but I get the feeling that it is a major reason that he looks like he was sculpted by the Gods.

“That’s fascinating. How about your other website?”

“That one brings in even more money. It’s a site where those same nerds from the first site can bet on fights. Of course, it just got a whole lot easier for them to bet, now that I’m in the fighting game.”

“That leads me into my next question: why join the fight game?” I ask.

“Well, a lot of people on my little gaming website like to try and cheat, mostly creating multiple accounts. It makes me so mad, the only thing that gives me any sort of release is punching another man until he is unconscious, and then punching him some more. I won’t rest until every multi-fuck has been defeated!”

“...Are there cases of you not stopping after the ref tells you to do so?”

“A while ago, there was this guy who claimed to be a Muay Thai fighter and was juiced up on all sorts of steroids. Fucking cheater. It was clear to me that he didn’t actually have any muay thai skill, and was only beating people due to the steroids. The ref couldn’t pull me off of him in time, and I ended up killing the ThaiGuy.” He said.

I gulped. I had a feeling that if he found out that I used to cheat on quizzes in kindergarten, i’d be leaving this mansion in a body bag. He seemed as unstable as he was tall, dark and handsome.

“Oh. Uh, h-how did you get out of that murder charge?”

“Let’s just say I have some connections through my gambling app. The fight took place in Japan, and I just so happen to know someone there who has some real… connections.” he said.

“Are there any particular cases that brought you to this?”

“No no, let's not get into specifics here.”

“Moving on then. Why did you choose this mysterious man named Aydan The Wandering Spirit to be your manager?”

“He’s actually a player of my gaming website, trying to make his break in the real world of mma. He’s not the best out there, but he says he loves my game and I don’t think he’ll hold me back too much.”

“Fair enough,” I said. “I think that’s all I have for today Mr. Cozad.”

“Please, it’s Mike.” He said. His words felt like a long hug from an absent parent. It was clear to me that under his psychotic, rage filled exterior was an even more charming and charismatic man. There was no telling what i’d do for him. I’d pay 40$ a year to play his game, that’s for sure.

“Hey, it’s a warm summer night- Me and a bunch of guys know of a great spot out here. You interested in joining? Maybe it will help with that article of yours.” He said.

and so ended the first, but certainly not the last interview i had with Mr. Cozad.

[j666]

awesome, dude. definitely waiting for more.

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By Chad Stevens, reporter at MMA-LA

Even the most tall, dark and handsome stars are hardly ever born in the biggest orgs in the world, such as Inferno, Synchronicity, or Pulse- many have humble beginnings in the smaller ranks of Mixed Martial Arts. Such is the case for Mike Cozad, who had his first official bout at California MMA, the hottest new org in the MMA world. Cozad won his first fight via decision, with every judge scoring the fight 30-27 in his favor. After such a dominant win, MMA-LA sent me back to see Cozad, this time at the gym he trains at- Yellow Lotus Center of Healing and Meditative Arts.

I arrived at Yellow Lotus, to a rather lazy scene. Despite being the home of many well known fighters in the smaller ranks of MMA, it appeared as though only a couple fighters were actually training. Only Dewey Decimal and Atticus Finch were seen lightly sparring. The rest of the fighters were doing various activities. Shanti Anatta and his prodigy, Enlightened Zoidberg, were both seen meditating. A new prospect was sitting in the corner, reading. Dru Quick, Carlos Villareal, and Arlo Rochester were passing a joint. Weed truly is the broth of the cultural melting pot.

Through all of this, one man drew the attention of anyone that entered- Mike Cozad. Like many of the fighters there he was not working on anything relating to fighting. Instead, he was flexing towards the mirror, wearing a pair of shorts that could better be described as a thong, that said the word “Dangerous,” written in Japanese on the buttocks.

If one were to attempt to describe Cozad’s physique it could only be described as if Francis Ngannou and Brock Lesnar had a child. I cautiously approached him, afraid of the consequences of startling a man like this. Perhaps I should have said something sooner, because as I said “Hi Mik-” He turned to me in a rage. I noticed his nose was bleeding, right before he picked me up with one hand, launching me across the entirety of the gym. I eventually hit the brick wall, right above where the reading fighter sat.

After I woke up from unconsciousness, Mike Cozad was standing above me.

"Are you my Guardian angel? Are you... God?"

“You sure caught me at a bad time. You’re that reporter, right?”

He helped me up on my feet, and I noticed a rather large wet spot on my khakis.

“Did you spill something?” he asks.

“Something. Listen Mr. Cozad, I’m here to do a follow up interview.”

“Sure thing, ask away kid.”

“So what made you sign with California MMA?”

“Well for one, England is gloomy- I had an offer to appear in a movie here in Hollywood, so I decided to move and leave the rain and lack of dentistry behind.”

“Really, a movie offer? Can you tell me anything about that?”

“It’s a movie about an underground fighting club. There’s going to be multiple sequels as well. I’ve already made more money from that than I probably ever will in my fighting career. Between that, my websites, and my fighting career, there’s just too many opportunities. It’s a hard life being a sex symbol.”

“I can imagine. Tell me about your debut fight?”

“Well, I asked my manager to scout my opponent and tell me what his biggest weaknesses were. He told me he’d get right to it, but lo and behold he went missing for about 7 days. No one at the gym heard from him. So, I went into the fight without any instruction or even knowing my opponent's name. This Aydan guy is on real thin ice. I didn’t need him anyways, and won pretty easily.”

“Dominant win indeed. What’s next for you?”

“I’ll probably stick around California MMA for a bit, every org needs a star- After that, I’ll be taking one off fights for orgs around the world, anywhere that needs a hype boost. Most won’t be able to afford me but they’ll all need me. I’m Mike Fuckin’ Cozad.”

[barney]

Damn thats a long write up! Nice work!

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Damn thats a long write up! Nice work!

 

 

awesome, dude. definitely waiting for more.

I appreciate the love y'all!

 

 

"Mike Cozad, the mysteriously handsome man revealed!"

 

By Chad Stevens, reporter at MMA-LA

 

Despite my many meetings of Mr. Cozad, a photograph of him has proved elusive until now. Cozad is known for having a top notch legal team parallel only to that of Disney and their beloved mouse. Cozad has banned the use of any unlicensed photograph or caricature of himself, and thus far has made it impossible for readers to quite understand how tall, dark and handsome he truly is- that is, until now. Mr. Cozad permitted one of the most well reputed photographers in the world to take his photo for publishing purposes. MMA-LA has obtained that photo, and attached a copy below:

 

http://mmatycoon.com/gallery/0/15984276549093.gif

 

Now with a face to put to the name, MMA-LA can only hope that readers can now grasp the full extent of his potential star power.

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When the world needed him the most, he vanished... and yet, as sure as the sun rising- as sure as creation tourney's are to be cancelled mid-season- and as sure as your mum is to visit a gloryhole on a warm summer night- he would return. 

 

To Be Continued...

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Mike "The Plumber" Cozad is starting to figure it out.

It's not easy to harness a body consisting of 275lbs of pure muscle. It's not easy finding the time to train when so many desperate housewives need their pipes 'cleaned.' It's not easy to take a break from living in your mansion, swimming in pools of gamblers money. But Mike is ready to take RISE over by storm. At an even 3-3, the handsome brit (oxymoron) is poised to take on Maurice Rollo in his next fight, and hoping to propel up the RISE rankings. Cozad has shown a knack for a granite chin, of the Johnny Bravo nature, and iron fists like the ones he rules his sim gamesite with. 

 

Look out, Heavyweights. It's Mike Fuckin' Cozad. 

[Fireballer34]

Nice work