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The Fightlosopher #1 – You Can't Choke Out A Giraffe, And Other MMA Facts


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The Fightlosopher can never seem to evade the intersecting stranglehold of fighting, philosophy, and mankind’s perverse morbidity. To wit, some time ago the Fightlosopher was taking a peaceful stroll around a lake and witnessed someone who looked too much like Vsevelod Kaufman pitching around in a rowboat. He appeared, from the Fightlosopher’s vantage point, to be grappling with a minuscule snake. Naturally, this led the Fightlosopher to consider the nature of chokes in mixed martial arts.

 

Chokes are an essential component of grappling, but they are also much more. A nervous Jiu-jitsu player can choke during a match and lose on points, never submitting to a Kate Gatame. Likewise, was it not Will Smith who was recently seen “choked up” over Jada Pickett-Smith’s extramarital relationship? All’s fair in love and war, it has often been hissed from the bottom half of a Triangle Choke, just before the speaker passes out. But chokes are mathematical as well as dramatic (they’re all angles), simultaneously erotic and deadly (source: The ghost of David Carradine), and of course, when we get down to it, an effective choke prevents air from getting to the brain!

Indeed, the Fightlosopher believes that the neck may be the most intellectually-nuanced part of the body, just above the hips. In nature, giraffes are the third-wisest of beasts. As proof, ask yourself if you have ever seen one submitted by any choke. The Fightlosopher has done the research and knows you have not. Even wiser than the giraffe are worms and snakes since they are nothing but neck. Indeed, giraffes are simply snakes who have evolved a torso and legs! The Fightlosopher learned this biological fact from the renowned Helium Gracie (of the hot-air balloon Gracies) who knows a little something about air passages. Giraffes, worms, and snakes are why Fightlosopher recommends young fighters interested in chokes seek out a gym with a strong collection of nature documentaries in addition to competent coaches.

As the Fightlosopher made his way around the lake poking his intricate thought antlers into the coccyx of your consciousness, the view at which he saw the man in the rowboat changed and the scene became clear: It was not a snake the pervert was throttling, but the soft flesh of a well-used rubber chicken. The Fightlosopher is a man of sense and knows that when he comes upon a man choking his chicken, he should quietly withdraw. And yet, the Fightlosopher always opts to do what he must, not what he should. So he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a small, but piercing, air horn, which he promptly sounded. As the bewildered cretin and his chicken toppled overboard, he (the man, not the chicken) accidentally guzzled a bit of water and onlookers got a short demonstration of the rarely-seen Long-Distance Water Choke. Try that in your next bout!

Think on, fight on!


 

(An update for the soft-hearted: The lake turned out to be a classy player and released the hold once the man tapped.)

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