Chip Nickel Reports!

[bazzypants]

https://www.mmatycoon.com/fighterprofilemanager.php?FID=350764

Hello ladies and gentlemen. My name is Chip Nickel and I'm an MMA fighter and journalist (in that order). Welcome to my new blog. Here you'll find information about my career, fighter interviews, feature pieces, spelling and grammatical errors, plus many confusing switches between third and first person.

After that thrilling introduction I know you'll all be excited and no doubt have some questions, so I'll now attempt to answer a few.

Why aren't you doing this on Buzz Chip? Because Buzz is a sewerage pit filled with subhuman scum. Chip Nickel doesn't write in a sewerage pit, Chip Nickel is old school, Chip Nickel is classy, Chip Nickel is a blog man.

Why is this being published in the General Game Discussion section Chip? Well where else would I publish it, in the Fighter Interview section that's viewed only by losers, and nerds, and loser nerds? Readers of Chip Nickel are none of those things. Readers of Chip Nickel are above that. They're General Game Discussion types of people.

And if any mods are thinking about moving this blog then just know that Chip can write an exposé on you and your undoubtedly full closet of skeletons quick snap! Now I don't claim to have any direct evidence against our mods, yet, but lets be honesty if you're the sort of person that does a thankless*, joyless, unpaid task like being a mod then baby you've got things to hide.

Any further questions can be asked in the comments section below. They will most likely remain unanswered due to Chips busy schedule and lack of interest in his readers undoubtedly mundane and uninspired questioning.

As mentioned above in between fighting I'll be conducting fighter interviews. For a taste of my work follow the link to a previous interview I conducted with former #1 P4P fighter and current hardcore tripper Akoni Gray. Be warned though, it is located in that loser nerd section. http://www.mmatycoon.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=64006

By now you're probably, and rightly, thinking about nominating Chip for a Pulitzer prize. Well don't. Pulitzer was a hack and if he was alive today I, Chip Nickel, would spit in his stupid hack face.

As a Florida native I'll be including a bonus to each blog entry. This bonus will be a headline, without further explanation, from a local Florida newspaper. This week's headline is from the Tallahassee Tribune: Man punched so hard in the face that his legs fell off.

Never change Florida.

That about wraps up my first blog entry. Stay tuned as next time I'll be bringing you a pulsating review of my first two professional fights.

Chip "The Scoop" Nickel, signing off.

*You guys actually do a good job, thanks

[The1rstSaint]

When chip is ready to step into the cage again, Madness MMA would gladly have him.

[popart]

 

Why is this being published in the General Game Discussion section Chip? Well where else would I publish it, in the Fighter Interview section that's viewed only by losers, and nerds, and loser nerds?

 

[

That one hurt, right in the heart. Good luck Chip!

[bjornmma1]

Chip Nickel for president!

 

PS: It is nice to finally see a fun blog/write-up about a fighter again, great job Billy !

[bazzypants]

https://www.mmatycoon.com/fighterprofilemanager.php?FID=350764

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen to Chip Nickel Reports! Today's blog will be a review of my first two professional (I use the term loosely) MMA fights. Plus the usual bonus local Florida newspaper headline.

Fight One vs Tobi "Terror" Terrorelli (348325)

https://www.mmatycoon.com/fightcommentary.php?FTID=975161

After publishing my first ever fighter interview I had the sudden itch to get into the cage myself (this was unlike any other itch I'd had before, and let me tell you I've had plenty of itches, if you know what I'm saying. Pubic lice is no joke people. Please see your doctor. You simply can't scratch the shame away. Lord knows I've tried). But I digress.

I phoned around the local Miami area and managed to book a fight. The venue was a bar basement and the cage, or what was called the cage, appeared to be made of chicken wire and timber. Now at this stage I'd never had any actual training, later I learnt this was probably an oversight on my part.

I eyeballed my opponent across the cage and he was yelling "'I'm here to kick ass and eat pasta.. and I'm all out of pasta" which is obviously very lame so my confidence grew exponentially. Little did I know this fighter with the equivalent trash talking ability of Tito Ortiz had KO'd his last 3 opponents.

As it turns out my hands down chin out strategy wasn't the wisest and after a 1 minute and 55 second brutal bloody beating I was rendered unconscious. Severely unconscious. Like a lady visiting Bill Cosby unconscious.

When I woke up in hospital three days later, unable to open my jaw, both eyes swollen almost completely shut and with a constant ringing in my left ear, I decided that this was the very sport for Chip Nickel. I also decided I should probably get some proper training......

Fight Two vs "El Presidente" Pucy McGraber (352640)

https://www.mmatycoon.com/fightcommentary.php?FTID=980192

Once my catastrophic head injuries had healed I contacted famed MMA manager and humanitarian Billy Arseworth to request his help. He accepted my request and promptly sent a private jet to transport me in style to the the Big Apple (that's New York City for those that can't keep up) and I joined the world famous Little Lebowski Urban Achievers Gymnasium. After a month of training with current champions, former champions, future champions and never have been or will be champions I was ready for my second fight.

The setting for my second fight was not dissimilar than the first. This time in a warehouse with a cage that appeared to be a replica of the Mad Max Thunder Dome. I stepped into the cage with the confidence of a dictator at election time. My opponent looked as weak and cowardly as a vegan on a hunger strike so I bit down on my mouth guard and swung for the fences...... BIFF BASH BOSH!, three hits and he was out cold. I'd tasted sweet sweet victory and let me tell you it's a lot nicer than the taste of your own blood and teeth.

So that's completes the thrilling review of my first two professional fights.

Now for the much anticipated local Florida newspaper headline. This time from the Okeechobee Daily: Hundreds of gun owners in Okeechobee plan to 'shoot down' hurricane Dorian.

Classic Floridians.

That concludes this edition of Chip Nickel Reports. Next time an exclusive feature on one of the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers Gymnasium veteran members, so stay tuned.

Chip Nickel, signing off.

[bazzypants]

http://mmatycoon.com/gallery/0/15609725464425.jpg

http://mmatycoon.com/fighterprofilemanager.php?FID=350764

Welcome back loyal readers to Chip Nickel Reports!

I'm currently training as hard as Chris Brown hit Rihanna. I can assure you that's very hard. So while I've been grinding away I decided to do a feature piece on MMA veteran and former #1 P4P fighter, the great Kalervo Kaunismieli.

http://mmatycoon.com/gallery/0/14400510985022.png

http://mmatycoon.com/fighterprofilemanager.php?FID=218553

I'll start with a brief recap of Kalervo the youngster. He was your stereotypical lost youth with all the trimmings. Thievery, vandalism and of course assaults of the physical variety. Then he found religion. Or to be more accurate he found every religion. Except Scientology. Sure he continued to do the exact same thievery, vandalism and assaults of the physical variety as before, but now he considered himself righteous in doing so.

Despite a promising record of 7 wins and only 2 losses his first manger Ville Coleman (25615) decided he'd had enough of all the mayhem and destruction outside the cage and kicked him to the curb. Now managerless Kalervo prayed for salvation to his overwhelming number of gods. The best those gods could do was land him at the doorstep of struggling manger Billy Arseworth (74054). Surely enough to make any man questions the existence of a higher power? At this stage Arseworth himself was metaphorically in the gutter (some sources have reported he may have also literally been in the gutter due to a severe drinking problem). Arseworth was struggling to attract fighters of any talent to his stable, so like every good businessman he turned a blind eye to Kalervo's many many past misdeeds. Somehow the partnership and fortunes of these two bottom dwellers (not gay slang) flourished.

Kalervo fought in some very good Orgs like New York Fight Nights, Montreal Fight Nights and even won and defended the Trinity middleweight title on several occasions. But I want to consentrate on Kalervo Kaunismieli's remarkable time at leading organisation Synchronicity.

Let's look at some numbers:

Current age: 44

Current record: 48-21-2 (W-L-D)

First fight in Syn: 21/10/2016

Number of fights in Syn: 43 (2nd most all time)

Wins in Syn: 26 (4th most all time)

Middleweight Syn title wins/defences: 5

Truly a remarkable career. Yet amazingly not yet in the Synchronicity HOF.


#KalervoforsynHOF


Now the next section was a planned Q and A with the man himself. Unfortunately due to what doctors have described as "severe brain damage from fighting far too long" Kalervo is now somewhat incoherent. Below is my attempted interview:

Chip: Congratulations on a remarkable career. Do you see yourself continuing to fight much longer?

Kalervo: My fight... Billy says champion again. Keep, keep, keep go. Must go for it. Champion forever.

Chip: Oh so you plan to continue to fight until you're champion again? That's very disturbing news.

Kalervo: ................

Chip: Kalervo can you hear me? I think your ear is bleeding.

Kalervo: It is.

Chip: Do you need a doctor?

Kalervo: Sign of weakness. I'm a fight man. Fight fight, I fight. Let me stop. Please. I hate this. Cowardly doctor. Billy says must fight. I am Warrior. WARRIOR! WARRIOR!! WARRIOR!!!

Chip: Ok. I think we'd better wrap this up. Thank you Kalervo Kaunismieli for this.... interesting interview. Please, take care of yourself.

That concludes my feature piece on the great Kalervo Kaunismieli. He may not be the hero we want, he may not be the hero we need, but he's the hero we've got. May his unlikely climb back to title contention be swift and involve as little damage to his already soup like brain as possible. Or perhaps his manager will take mercy and let him retire with some dignity. But we all know that won't happen.


We have just enough time for our local Florida newspaper headline. Today's headline is from the Sarasota Advocate: Sarasota couple 'trapped' in unlocked closet for two days.

Don't do (too many) drugs kids.


That's all for today edition.

Chip Nickel, signing off.

[bazzypants]

http://mmatycoon.com/gallery/0/15609725464425.jpg

http://mmatycoon.com/fighterprofilemanager.php?FID=350764

Ladies and gentlemen welcome back to another round of Chip Nickel Reports!

Today I'll bring you a preview of my upcoming fight, my first in an actual factual MMA organisation. Plus you'll get the usual bonus Florida headline.

After winning my last warehouse/Mad Max Thunderdome fight by KO I was contacted by a Mr Butch Harris. He was offering me a contract to fight in his new organisation, Madness MMA. Naturally I thought this was some sort of monetary scam. Readers may or may not know my past troubles with the Nigerian lottery system. As president Bush said "There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again". Alas after some thorough research I realised it was a legitimate offer and signed the contract. It wasn't for enough money to make it rain at a strip club, but at least now I could make it drizzle.

http://mmatycoon.com/gallery/34/34b28.jpg

http://mmatycoon.com/fighterprofilepublic.php?FID=351460

So a long three months after my last fight I'll now be stepping into the cage with Marcus Hagler. Firstly his nickname not being "marvellous" is criminal. Come on that should be a gimme and makes me think less of his manager. Hagler has had two professional fights consisting of one KO loss and one decision win (both in Madness MMA). From those results I think we can all agree he's probably a coward of some sort. Perhaps even a pacifist.

That's enough about cowardly boring no nickname Hagler. What's Chip been up to you ask? Well I've been pounding the gym like prince Andrew pounds underage ladies *allegedly*. And by that I mean hard and often. I've also been doing triathlons just like the Diaz brothers. I don't do the swimming or riding parts as I don't like them. Some might just call it running, and they'd technically be correct. But Chip Nickel doesn't have time for technicalities as he's too busy doing triathlons.

Apart from that I've been reading a great self help book called Tim and Eric's Zone Theory: 7 Easy Steps to Achieve a Perfect Life. I'm currently a Zone Level 8 and it's really changed my life. I highly recommend it to anyone out there who is gullible and looking for easy answers.

Now for our regular Florida newspaper headline. This time from the Tamp Bay Times: 400 pound woman survives sexual assault by herd of manatees.

Straight to the wank bank for that one.

That concludes this edition of Chip Nickel Reports!

[bazzypants]

http://mmatycoon.com/gallery/0/15609725464425.jpg

http://mmatycoon.com....php?FID=350764

Welcome back loyal and sexy Chip Nickel Reports readers!

It's now been a few weeks since I got my head smashed in like Harvey Weinstein smashed aspiring actresses. Brutally. It turns out my chinny chin chin isn't as granite as first advertised. Rather than dwell on that unfortunate reality I thought I'd bring you an interview with my teammate and hater of all things communist (and all things in general) Mr Evil Nixon.

https://www.mmatycoon.com/fighterprofilemanager.php?FID=270275

Chip: Hello Evil and thanks for agreeing to be interviewed.

Evil: It's Mr Nixon to you boy. I'm allowed to call you boy right? Certain people get their noses out of join when I refer to them as that. I once called Muhammad Ali boy and he threatened to knock old Nixon's head off! Lousy draft dodger. Anyway the only person that calls me Evil is my beloved smother, I mean mother, Hannah.

Chip: That's quite the first answer Ev... I mean Mr Nixon.

Mr Nixon: Well I'm quite the man.

Chip: Before we chat about your upcoming fight let's talk politics. How do you feel about the current state of politics in America?

Mr Nixon: I love it. With this shit show everyone's stopped bringing up my past indiscretions. Compared to today's politicians I look like a saint!

Chip: So you're a Trump fan?

Mr Nixon: You're damn right I am. I've not got long left in the fight game and if that guy can be president then it's surely ripe for a Nixon return to power. To use a fight analogy Trump is softening them up with body shots and Nixon will finish them off with a haymaker!

Chip: I hesitate to ask but Bernie Sanders is currently leading the democrats nomination race, what are your thoughts on him?

Mr Nixon: He calls himself a democratic socialist, that's just another name for COMMUNIST!!! I thought I bombed those red bastards out of existence years ago. Well this time Nixon is prepared to go nuclear, and I mean that literally.

Chip: So as a Trump fan I assume you're a fan of locker room talk. It's no secret that you are very comfortable hanging dong around the gym change room.

Mr Nixon: Was that a question? Well my answer is if you've got it flaunt it.

Chip: So you think you got it?

Mr Nixon: listen up little man, Nixon's got it. Nixon's got it big time! And if you don't wipe that smug look off your face you'll have another KO loss to add to your record.

Chip:

Mr Nixon: What no follow up question? That's what I thought. Now ask me about my upcoming fight.

Chip: Your, your upcoming fight, it's against.... Risto Rautio. How do you, umm, feel about it?

Mr Nixon: A good question asked very poorly. I'll beat him like I beat Hubert Humphrey in the 68 election.

Chip: You obviously have no fear of Rautio so who do you fear?

Mr Nixon: It's not who I fear but what I fear. Or more correctly feared. Have you heard of the internet?

Chip: Yes, everyone has

Mr Nixon: That's right. Well when the internet first arrived I thought that's it, it's all over for me. It's the end of the con man, the trickster, the manipulator. If everyone has access to all the information in the world how can a man like me operate? Well guess what my beautiful American people did when they got access to all the information in the world? They got even dumber! They got even easier to trick! They got even easier to manipulate! BAHAHAHAHA, I couldn't believe my evil luck! God bless this ignorant country.

Chip: There's no need to be belligerent sir.

Mr Nixon: HAHAHA, of course there isn't, I just enjoy it. Can someone get Chip a tissue to wipe away his tears and clear the sand from his vagina. Pathetic. You wouldn't last five minutes on the campaign trail. Ok let's wrap this light-hearted chat up.

Chip: Thank you for the honour of allowing me to interview you Mr Nixon.

Mr Nixon: Don't try and brown nose me son. If I want a whining lady to give me a rim job I'll get my secretary Linda to do it. Actually now you've got me a hankering. LINDA GET OVER HERE.... I've got a special task for you. See you in 2024 suckers! ARROOOO!!!

That concludes my interview with Evil Nixon. Might I just say he's as angry and bitter in private as he is in public. Make of that what you will.

That leaves us just enough time for the Florida newspaper headline. Today's headline is from the Orlando Advocate: Kissimmee man denies drinking and driving, says "I only swigged my bourbon at stop signs".

That it for this edition of Chip Nickel Reports!

[bjornmma1]

Awesome, love it !

[KingEpicity]

Great stuff Billy. Game needs more of this.

[devin11]

this is great

[bazzypants]

http://mmatycoon.com/gallery/0/15609725464425.jpg

https://www.mmatycoon.com/fighterprofilemanager.php?FID=350764

 

Welcome to a special edition of Chip Nickel Reports!

 

Ladies and gentlemen of the MMA Tycoon world, it is with immense sadness and fear that I bring you the breaking news that the great and fearsome (did I mention my fear of this guy?) Evil Nixon has announced his immediate retirement from the sport of fisticuffs.

 

After 61 fights, 48 win, 16 losses and 2 draws the final bell has rung on what can only be described as a true reign of terror. Nixon, like many others, started with a few amateur brawls (or quick fights if you will) and his heavy hands were noted early by manager Billy Arseworth. Although this was Arseworths first time managing an 18 year old homegrown talent he knew if he could keep Nixon’s belligerents and casual racism in check he had a talented fighter to work with.

 

This proved to be very much the case as Nixon kicked, punched, clawed and bribed his way to the Generation light heavyweight title just 14 fights into his career. A title he won in the MMA Tycoon BALCO era against Cingeto Ysengrin, who was managed by the notorious provider of juice Mr Wolf. Thus proving once and for all that a steroid fuelled monster body is no match for a flabby, pasty, riddled with phlebitis Republican body!

 

After Nixon’s title success in Generation and a brief, yet still successful, run in Evolution he went on to join legendary MMA Tycoon organisation Synchronicity. Little did he know at the time, but here he would achieve his greatest successes in what would be his final fighting destination.

 

From June 2017 to May 2020 Evil Nixon fought 39 times for SYN. This included 25 wins, 13 title wins or defences and 19 Ko’s. Brutal battles against the likes of Grigol Pandahammer, George Pedro, Tsoko Chikatchawan, Sotiris Kakoullis, Ja Wuan Robertson, Joey Kocur and Russell Tyrone Jones will live long in the memory for all of those without CTE and possibly won’t be in the memories at all of those with it.

 

At the ripe old age of 38 Nixon had one final shot at the SYN light heavyweight title against new kid on the block Just Whymer. This wasn’t to be the fairy tale ending everyone had hoped for (even Nixon was hoping for this, but he was at pains to add that in no way does he endorse those other fairies. You know the kind he means).

 

Now a few final words from Mr Nixon himself:

 

https://www.mmatycoon.com/fighterprofilemanager.php?FID=270275&Ret=1

 

“My fellow Americans, much like my beloved country my equally beloved MMA is now infested with lousy beatniks and parasites. These probable commies will be the death of both our great nation and our great gladiators. Look at the current P4P #1 Latrobe Arundel. If this guy isn’t a bleeding-heart women’s lib, civil rights, Karl Marx sympathiser then I’m not EVIL MILHOUSE NIXON!!! No the games changed, and there’s nothing I hate more than change. Everyone is crying out for equal rights in the streets, equal rights for title shots, well Nixon isn’t equal to any man, he’s far superior! So with that said I’m announcing my immediate retirement from this beautiful bloody sport. I’m out, done, finished, gone the way of the damned Panda. They’re extinct by now I assume.”

 

Much like in Vietnam Evil Milhouse Nixon refused to see the writing on the wall and continued fighting on for much longer than he should have. But I guess everyone thinks they can land that one last bomb and taste sweet victory again.

 

God speed you Evil bastard and enjoy your new role as the Spiro Agnew to Billy Arseworth.

 

*reproduced on the SYN smack talk thread http://www.mmatycoon.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=869&page=37