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Igor Crazy:

Dignity? You don't know nothin' about it u are the worst person with no dignity!!! Charlie "No Dignity" Sheen that's your middle name.

 

Charlie, "Oh I don't know about that, I felt a great swell of dignity when the announcer read my victory off the score cards in our first fight."

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Hugo Llorente (Still Champ):

 

Hahaha! that was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I have been promising the fans a head kick knock out and I delivered. I dominated on the feet and the ground. Ricci I thought you were meant to be a ground fighter but I sweeped you into full mount with ease then I just started toying with you. Knocked you down with kicks and punches let you get back up each time; apart from the time when you couldn't get up! The crowd was even laughing at you bro! I am the champion people want to watch; I have the most unpredictable striking attack in the division. Even when I was in full mount I wanted to get back up to show the fans what they wanted to see (a stand up domination) but you held on to me so tight as if I was your favorite teddy bear. Well, it was fun listening to your terrible smack talk that couldn't have been backed up less. I look forward to attending UPF 32 Kuo vs Mimbo to see which one of them I face.I don't care who wins because who ever it is is gettin a spinning back kick to the face! POW!

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Henkka Reem here

 

Calvancante went down like a sucker he is. First talking smack and writing embrassing poems to Getting subbeb with kimura. Nice one Tony, but I would like to see you trying that on me. I have few holes in my game and I'm working on them, so be prepared :training2:

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Love it.

 

I didn't find it funny, rather childish and stupid. He should have focused on training, now he didn't have chance.

I quote Mr.McMahon, No chance, no chance in hell

 

Mauricicio got the fight to the ground, just like he wanted it and did nothing with it. Your submission attemps were just sad and I find it disturbing that you consider yourself as a "groundfighter". Despite all your smacktalk, I decided to let you keep that tiny limb you call your arm.

 

I'll go to the beach and smile for the girls. I guess there are a few lady fans hoping to get their picture taken with me. :shades:

 

-Tony out

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UPF PPV 2: Smoke til You Drop was a mixed martial arts event held by Ultimate Pit Fighting on April 20, 2013 at the jam packed Big Kahunarena stadium in Hilo, Hawaii.

 

Preface

 

This event nearly sold out the Big Kahunarena which is the second largest arena in Hawaii. As you all know, this event was highly publicized and was available on pay-per-view.

 

This event smoked (heh) all previously held event records in company history. The total attendance was 9,741 which beat the previous record of 6,370. The event also pulled a reported rating record of 268.49, trumping the previous record of 217.05.

 

To help do the reporting on this historic event, we brought in special guest and welterweight fighter Charlie Sheen to give his take on each fight as well.*

 

*This is the closest thing to schizophrenia you will hopefully ever see from me.

 

Official Fight Results

 

-[Heavyweight bout]: YB Sol Jr v ersus Lincoln Burrows

-[Results]: We knew that Lincoln had some serious knockout power in his hands. YB Sol Jr had the upper hand on paper but all it takes is one shot with a guy like Burrows. Lincoln Burrows def. YB Sol Jr via TKO (Punches) at 0:27 of round 1.

 

-[Charlie's take]: Unbe-f[censored]ing-lievable performance by Lincoln Burrows. He came in and took care of business like everyone thought he could. This dude hits like a friggen truck. He easily has K-1 level punches in my opinion.

 

 

-[Bantamweight Championship bout ]: Hype Williams© versus Test Ninja

-[Results]: The bantamweight champion makes his triumphant return here on the grandest of stages! Hype Williams lives up to the Hype and crushes Test Ninja over the course of five tough rounds. Hype Williams def. Test Ninja via TKO (Strikes) at 1:58 of round 5 to retain the bantamweight championship of the world!

 

-[Charlie's take]: We knew it was going to happen, we knew that Hype had a big striking advantage over Ninja. I just hoped Ninja would be able to put it together and make it more competitive.

 

 

-[Welterweight bout]: Robert Smith versus Glin Burman

-[Results]: Burman landed early but Smith landed efficiently. He rocked Burman with punches and finished him in dramatic fashion. Robert Smith def. Glin Burman via KO (Punch) at 0:19 of round 1.

 

-[Charlie's take]: What does that even mean? Burman landed early... but not efficiently... listen, Burman landed a monster head kick out of the gate and bloodied Smith up. Unfortunately, all it did was serve to piss Smith off. Smith retaliated with fury and land several hard shots to finish him.

 

 

-[Welterweight bout]: Hank Patterson versus Igor Crazy

-[Results]: Patterson overwhelmed Crazy with strikes. Although he got a takedown, Patterson did nothing with it and got stood up. All the better I suppose as he quickly finished Crazy with a flurry of strikes soon after. Hank Patterson def. Igor Crazy via TKO (Strikes) at 1:35 of round 1.

 

-[Charlie's take]: Igor simply got beaten by a better striker. It can happen to anyone. It happened to me once as well: I fought this really tough guy once on my way to a title shot but he managed to out strike me and take me down at will. What was his name again? Oh, right, Nammer Da Hammer. Sorry, August.

 

 

-[Welterweight bout]: James Howlett versus Maxim Markov

-[Results]: Markov came out quickly looking for the takedown but he was unable to get it. Howlett went to work with punches, landing only two before dropping Markov. Howlett dove into his guard and finished him with the ground n pound for a dramatic victory. James Howlett def. Maxim Markov via TKO (Strikes) at 0:53 of round 1.

 

-[Charlie's take]: Whoa. Just whoa. I have to give insane props to Markov for even taking the fight. A lot of guys would have refused to fight an elite level competitor like James Howlett but Markov went for it and gave it his all.

 

 

-[Light-heavyweight Championship bout]: Hugo Llorente versus Carlos Jos Ricci

-[Results]: Jos Ricci took Llorente down easily and quickly but quickly found himself trapped beneath the wily champion. The referee decided he had seen enough and stood the fighters up and it was quickly apparent that Jos Ricci was exhausted. Llorente saw this and capitalized immediately with punches, kicks, and a monstrous combination that dropped the challenger hard. The challenger stood, got dropped again, and finally got knocked unconscious by a brutal head kick from the light-heavyweight champion of the world. Hugo Llorente def. Carlos Jos Ricci via Knockout (Head Kick) at 3:17 of round 1 to retain the light-heavyweight championship of the world!

 

-[Charlie's take]: Wowzah. Hugo's only weakness is his wrestling but he has some lightning in his gloves. Ricci is a great wrestler and a tough Jujitsu guy but Hugo is great too. I don't know if Hugo reads this but he's cordially invited to come out to Japan anytime he wants to get some training in. We have great wrestlers he can roll with.

 

 

-[Heavyweight bout]: Rutger Crax versus Sub Zero

-[Results]: Crax gets the takedown and immediately catches an arm triangle from half guard, excellent finish. Rutger Crax def. Sub Zero via Submission (Arm Triangle) at 1:57 of round 1.

 

-[Charlie's take]: Disappointing finish in my opinion. Sub Zero has great strikes and finishes a lot of guys because the doctors haul their bloody asses out of the cage. No, not literally their asses are bleeding you pervs.

 

 

-[Welterweight Championship bout]: Declan McCready versus Oktawian August

-[Results]: The climatic finale to the welterweight tournament is here! This was a great fight in which neither fighter held a sizable advantage. August's ground game surely earned him some points in each round but he was unable to capitalize on it. McCready pulled ahead by using his clinchwork and by throwing dozens of leg kicks to chop down the dangerous finisher. Declan McCready def. Oktawian August via Unanimous Decision (49-46, 49-46, 49-46) to become the undisputed welterweight champion of the world!

 

-[Charlie's take]: This was disappointing but also intriguing for a lot of reasons. First of all, I'm disappointed because I figured I could get myself in place to campaign for the rematch of the century within two fights if I played my cards right. I'm almost pleased, however, because I think McCready's style is easier for me to handle than August's. My ground game needs some work but McCready won't be shooting on me anytime soon. We all know I can take his pitter-patter leg slaps. The thing that I found most interesting was that I expected that clinchwork would give a leg up on August and it certainly did. Interesting.

 

 

-[Heavyweight Championship bout]: Helge Fussmo versus Arnold Vegh

-[Results]: After nearly getting finished in the first round, Vegh came back strong winning the second, third, and fourth rounds with an intense volley of strikes. In the final round, however, Fussmo returned fire with a pair of takedowns and some damage in the clinch. Arnold Vegh def. Helge Fussomo via Unanimous Decision (48-47, 48-47, 48-47) to become the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world!

 

-[Charlie's take]: I actually missed some of this fight because I had to run out to get a beer and the guy at the bar didn't believe I was over twenty-one. From what I saw, though, and from what the fight metrics tell me... Vegh was throwing punches fricken constantly. Fussy can take a punch, though. I can't wait for the rematch.

 

 

-[Middleweight Championship bout]: Tony Brown versus Mauricio Calvancante

-[Results]: Tony Brown showed his class here, catching Calvancante with brutal a huge volume of punches before finishing his fellow brown belt with a shocking submission. Tony Brown def. Mauricio Calvancante via Submission (Kimura) at 1:30 of round 4 to retain the undisputed middleweight championship of the world!

 

-[Charlie's take]: You don't really think of Tony Brown as a striker because all of his finishes are by submission but he showed that he has some hands here. What could have been an even match on the ground turned into a lopsided striking match as Brown kept the fight standing and beat the shit out of Calvancante before finishing the man at his own game.

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Hugo Llorente:

 

Well, I have returned from my short vacation after my 3rd title defense against Ricci and I noticed that poor little Ricci has pissed off to UPF's new sister company in LA. I find this highly amusing after all the shit talk he was giving me about how he was gonna dominate me on the ground. I attempted to improve position once against his 'superior' ground game and ended up in mount! Anyway, good like Carlos with your new beginning in UPF LA, maybe I will have a short transfer there to stop you from climbing the ladder again, pussy! Enough about Ricci, the kid was below average. I am anxious to see who wins out of Jen Kuo and Mimbo to face me next; I see neither as a threat what so ever and to tell you the truth no-one in this org is a threat! Looks like I am gonna be champ for a loooong time!

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Roz Dee's voice mail to Lincoln Burrows:

 

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you decline the fight now, that'll be the end of it. I will not KO you, I will not submit you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will fight you, and I will kill you.

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Scott "Scotty-B" Banks vs Zack Barch win or lose Scott is done Tony Brown you won if you want a super fight of UPF vs VF once Scott is VF middleweight crown than lets do it big in the biggest arena aka in LA and all super fights only UPF kings vs VF kings with Scott Banks vs Tony Brown in one EPIC REmatch of all times

 

the areana will be LA Memoria Colossuseum which holds 93,607 people!

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Oktawian August

"Sheen we're fighting once again. You said some shit about me in your interview. You're first guy who lost the fight to me via decision. This time you'll lose via KO. Your carrear as a fighter is even worse than your carrear in a movie industry. You never had a winning streak and it won't change! You won your last fight and now it's time to lose!"

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Hugo Llorente (still champ):

 

Well, that was piss easy. I wonder who is gonna be first to actually give me a challenge in the cage. I do find it funny though, my opponents still choose to take me down after I continuously prove my dominance on the ground. Let me tell you all this, I have absolutely no take down defence. Why? Because I don't need it. I let my opponent choose where the fight takes place and then make them regret their decision, like a fuckin boss.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Interview with a Sheen (Issue 937 - June 14, 2013)

 

Here at Cat Fancy magazine, we like to cater to the wants of the fans. When the fans are consistently clambering for an interview, we try to oblige. However, the fighter that they've been begging to hear from wanted nothing to do with the media until today.

 

Actor-turned-fighter Charlie Sheen is coming off the first stoppage defeat of his MMA career and he has taken some time to recuperate before contacting us for an interview. Below is a series of questions that we asked him about his rematch with Oktawian August, possible grudge matches, and the future of the welterweight division. Check it out!

 

 

CF: Charlie, thanks for coming to speak with us again.

Charlie: Hey, thanks for having me.

CF: Our pleasure as always. Let's jump right into it: you're fighting Slim Shady on June 29. In the past, you've been very vocal, you've told us that you think that Slim Shady is essentially a tomato can, pardon the expression. You've stated that you would dominate Shady and that he is nothing more than an easy win provided by the organization. Do you still feel this way?

Charlie: Look I've said a lot of things, it's hard to keep it all straight. Rather than try to give you an answer to that question, let me ask you this: who is the more effective striker? Slim Shady or Igor Crazy? Igor Crazy has scored actual standing knockouts, albeit against nobodies, but the point is that he's done that. So who do you think is the more effective wrestler, Shady or Crazy? Well, Igor Crazy has scored nearly double the total amount of takedowns that Slim Shady has. He has also landed a better ratio of attempted guard passes to successful guard passes than Shady has.

CF: If we didn't know any better, we'd think you were giving Igor Crazy some praise here.

Charlie: Hahahaha! Yeah, no, my point is that you can look at how crappy Igor Crazy is and realize that Slim Shady is crappier than that. If Igor Crazy is the poor man's Oktawian August then Slim Shady is like the Happy Meal toy that was made in China and is filled with lead paint and wrapped in asbestos.

CF: So it's safe to say that Slim Shady has zero chance of winning this fight then?

Charlie: I would never say that a guy has zero chance of winning a fight. It would be foolish of me to believe that and I don't. However, Slim Shady relies too heavily on his submissions. And I know that I'm coming off my first loss via submission but believe me when I say that Slim Shady is not Oktawian August.

CF: We actually hoped that you would issue a comment on that loss.

Charlie: Well, both August and I came out very aggressive looking to keep this fight from going the distance. Predictably, August didn't want to hurt his delicate little prissy hands so he took me down immediately.

CF: Mr. August earned a title shot with his win over you, how do you feel about that?

Charlie: I've never been submitted before and I've never been finished in MMA- until he did it to me. He deserves the next title shot but now he has to contend with Hank Patterson. August is a great finisher but Patterson is equal to or greater than August in every single aspect of mixed martial arts. The only advantage August has is his chin.

CF: Call it right now, who takes this fight?

Charlie: Hank Patterson via unanimous decision. They're both finishers but I don't think August can stop Patterson and vice versa.

CF: Igor Crazy has called you out for a fight as recently as May 12. Do you think that it's appropriate given that you're both coming off stoppage losses?

Charlie: Look I've done nothing to entertain Igor as a legitimate challenge to a fighter of my caliber. I've mocked him and ridiculed him and said a lot of truthful things about him. Of course he's not going to like that. He's a moron and a rookie but he's no coward. I'd want to fight me too. Just keep on punching, Igor.

CF: Do you really mean all of those bad things that you say about Igor Crazy?

Charlie: Look, I don't have any ill will towards Igor even though he may not want to believe that. I think Igor represents the every man. Igor is like the Homer Simpson of the welterweight division. By that I mean that Igor scratches his ass, burps, snoozes, and collects a pay check. You've gotta respect his ability to put zero effort into every single fight and still manage to collect just one more paycheck. I don't mean that, Igor, you know I think that you're the real welterweight champion of this division. Ending sarcasm in three, two...

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Oktawian August

"I want to add my two cents about the fight between Slim Shady and Charlie Sheen. Sheen is a tough fighter and the biggest Slim's problem is his tactics. In the fight against me he tried to take me down 9 times, in a three minutes... The result of his tactic was pretty awesome gif which could be found in most of the MMA sites also I saw part of our fight in some KOs compilations in YouTube.

This fight is between former K-1 fighter who have problems with knocking his opponents and a ground fighter who is desperatly trying to take his opponents down. I fought against both of them and Charlie Sheen was bigger obstacle for me. His striking game has changed! In a positive way. In our second fight I wanted to keep the fight standing but he surprised me so I had to take him down. I don't see any chances in a striking exchange for Slim. The problem for Charlie is that Slim have really good chin and my prediction is that Charlie will win the fight via unnanonimous decision"

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Slim Shady:

 

Listen Sheen, you fuckin mess of a man.. say what you want about me, see if i give a fuck! I wanted to fight you, I chose you as my last fight in UPF Hilo.. for now... I see no better way of leaving than choking you till your almost dead, you aint finished nobody and you sure as shit aint gonna start now. You're clearly nervous as fuck about this fight judging by the amount of research you have put into all my statistics and ratio's; lets see how all that homework pays off for you when I am at the other side of the cage from you bro! I'm just gonna go in there and do what I do; I don't need to know how many punches you've landed and shit all I know about you is that you have never finished a fight and you got fired from that shitty show 2 and a half men... well you gonna be half the man you were after this fight...cbomb!

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Hugo Llorente:

 

Fucks sake my manager booked me on a private jet which was in the wrong city so obviously I missed that, now I am flying 1st class, this is the first time for me. A champ deserves better, I will be having words with my manager about this! I am not impressed. This better not fuck up my mentality coming into this fight.. I am sure I will be fine, I am the man of war after all and the reigning champ, so good luck Wayne you will need it.

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Steve: I'm Steve your favourite MMA reporter. I'm in Tokyo, with former Reach Promotions fighter and current Ultimate Pit Fighting fighter - Oktawian "The Ceasar" August. Oktawian, you're fighting this weekend in UPF-H 46: Rebulding. Against Eulalio Gonzalez, could you say a few words about your opponent?

 

Oktawian: Eulalio is a top grappler, black belt in brazilian jiu jitsu. But he has lots of holes in his striking game. I want to use that to score a knockout. I was watching his fight videos. He is 9-9-1 in MMA but he has been KO'ed just once. I'll do everything to be the next guy who score a stoppage over Eulalio.

 

Steve: Oktawian, rumors says that you are going to leave UPF right after your next fight, any comments?

 

Oktawian: That's true. I've got last fight on my old contract and I rejected last offer. I want to come back fighting in middleweight division. Before signing a contract with UPF I was 185 lbs fighter. My manager has send me a few proposition about my future org. We're working together at making the best decision. I want to have four or even five more fight in middleweight division before going on a retire.

 

Steve: What makes you thinking about going on a retire?

 

Oktawian: I'm getting older and I want to focus on helping Bragi with developing young fighters. Also I don't have so much will to fighting like in the old days. I'm 1-3 in last 4 fights, maybe in 185 lbs I would return to my days of glory.

 

Steve: I can only wish you the best, Oktawian. Well, the time is running out, do you want to say something to our fans and to your opponent?

 

August: Yes, thanks for the chance. Eulalio I can't wait for the fight. Let's make it the best fight in the whole event's card. Don't forget to buy a ticket on the event, a few tickets are still avaiable. Also, don't forget to check clothes at my sponsor's shop - Conviction

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